A Friday afternoon roller coaster

There have been a lot of moments this summer where I have stood at my desk on the verge of tears. I have a few friends with the misconception I am very put together. I want to be very clear, just because I have gotten a lucky break at an incredible company I am legally an adult, I have so many days where I have no idea what I am doing. Honestly I think none of us know what we are doing, and this little transcribed freak out is an example of how I am attempting to come to peace with this fact.

I wrote this on a Friday afternoon, after a long couple of days, feeling like an absolute fraud.

 

In this moment, I don’t know what I am doing and I couldn’t tell you why I am here. My anxiety has twisted my stomach in horrific knots. Failure is not an option. Not that it was an option in school, but to some degree it was. I could take a horrible grade on something if it was impossible or taking too much of my time. At my desk, though, I am given a task, and it needs to be done. No other options. No F’s. The company is paying me to live in Copenhagen and I can’t just say, I’m sorry, I tried really hard, this just isn’t working. I signed up for this.

This data is staring at me, spitting on my soul, my confidence, my slim inkling that I am becoming an adult. I can’t get past this stupid map. Every day I leave work thinking, tomorrow is the day, this will be done. Every day I get to work, realize something is horrifically wrong and again scrap all of my work. I want to put my face in a cheese grater.

I’m an adult, I tell myself. DON’T cry at your desk. Push through. Find your extra gear.

The last two weeks have been this same routine every day. I am on a rollercoaster of breakthroughs and crushing defeats. I am writing this post from the trough of a defeat, but I am certain in an hour I will be riding high again (hopefully for the last time)

If I had any sort of emotional logic, I would stop hurting myself like this. How I am able to get so excited when things start going moderately right will never cease to amaze me. It is a blessing. I might have started writing this to talk myself down, to tell myself to stop doing this every day, multiple times a day. Honestly thought, who am I kidding, this is who I am. No amount of logic will keep me from feeling enthusiastic about my progress no matter how small.

In a professional sense, I have learned a lot from my mistakes in the past summer, in an emotional sense, I have learned a lot as well, but I intend on changing NOTHING.

Maybe there are some painfully blind optimists out there that know what I am talking about. Maybe I am just mistaking optimism for my naïve nature. Maybe I will never be sure. Today, though, I choose the rollercoaster. I choose happiness and an open heart ready to be stabbed and completely destroyed in a couple of hours. When I wake up tomorrow, or maybe the next day, I know it will be okay. For that I am so thankful. And suddenly, a couple of paragraphs of writing later, it feels like the rollercoaster is ascending the hill again.

Heres to the fake adults! Keep on faking it till you make it!

One thought on “A Friday afternoon roller coaster

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